T-Shirts in a choice of colours. With your own names included at no extra cost!
Pair of strap-on stilts to allow him to reach pedals when using the Booster cushion.
Booster cushion allows your Dwarf to see out of the car windows. (Essential when driving)
Mini trampoline allows your Dwarf to use a normal sized toilet. (We suggest putting a large plastic sheet on the floor until he gets the hang of it)
The Dwarf Key Ring does away with the need to cut a hole in the door to fit a Dwarf flap.
Dwarf Hat with flag and flashing light allows you to see your Dwarf in the thickest of crowds, even at night!
Pack of three waterproof sleeping bags in case he is accidentally left out overnight.
Full neutering kit. Half price to new members, with a book of instructions. (Now includes a pair of Thumb Guards!)
Little Women - Louisa May Allcott
Considered by many to be the bible of the radical Dwarf feminist movement, and held in high regard by the New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion.
The Discworld Series - Terry Prachett
In his book 'Chariots of the Dwarfs' the author Eric Von Smith suggests that Discworld Dwarfs are distant relatives of our own native Dwarfs. He proposes that Dwarfs on the Discworld evolved beards to make their females unattractive to other races, and this racial purity is the reason that these Dwarfs have remained three foot tall. Our own Dwarfs are often much taller, due to their willingness to mate with other species at every available opportunity. Von Smith's many critics point out that the Discworld is imaginary and accuse the author of once again jumping on the populist bandwagon to increase sales. Von Smith counters this argument with the statement "In an infinite universe, everything must exist somewhere".
Grail Blazers - Tom Holt
One of the main characters in this book is the Dwarf 'Toenail' who rides and maintains his own Triumph Bonneville. An accurate portrayal of Dwarfs of today.
Cooking for Dwarfs - Mrs Beatton
First editions of this work were re-titled by the publisher as 'Cooking With Dwarfs' and issued in a series of books, which included 'Cooking With Eggs' and 'Cooking With Pastry'. It is believed this was a deliberate attempt to reduce Dwarf numbers, after the publisher's eldest daughter eloped with a local Dwarf who had gained access to the house at night by using a ladder to enter a downstairs window. For many Dwarfs their last sight on earth as they looked up, was the rapidly descending meat cleaver of oblivion. Later editions reverted to the original title. First editions are now worth many thousands of pounds, especially those rare copies without the blood stains.
A History of Dwarfkeeping Throughout the Ages - Ivor Smallpiece
Did you know that the word 'DwarfFest' is derived from the Old English term 'Dwarf Feast'? In the Middle Ages the Dwarf who was awarded the title 'Best in Show' was traditionally spit-roasted as a special treat for the children on the final day of the meeting.
In those days dressing your Dwarf for dinner had a very different meaning. This and many other fascinating snippets of Dwarf Lore are revealed in Mr Smallpiece's book.
Grooming Your Dwarf - Ivor Smallpiece
A companion volume to his earlier work, covering Dwarf grooming from the time of the Norman Conquest up to the present day. A former Dwarf Keeper himself before the sad demise of Mrs Smallpiece, who fell in and drowned while cleaning the toilet, Mr Smallpiece has been the principle judge at DwarfFest for many years. Here he reveals those little touches that help to catch the judge's eye. A must for anyone who hopes to win major awards with their Dwarf. Included in this book are further little known facts from the archives of the Society. During the time of the English Civil War Dwarfs were fed on special diets to encourage the growth of particularly soft and silky beards. It seems that many otherwise respectable lady Dwarf Keepers were in the habit of hiding their Dwarf under their voluminous skirts when attending church. This provided them with much needed distraction during the three and four hour sermons that were usual at the time. Obviously, a silky smooth beard would be considered most desirable under these circumstances. This may well explain why it is common in some of the older Fundamentalist Churches for members of the congregation to shout such phrases as "Hallelujah" and "Oh my God" at odd intervals during the service.
Please find below the introduction to Eric Von Smith's book 'Chariots Of The Dwarfs', in which the author suggests an extra-terrestrial origin for the Dwarf race. Some consider Von Smith to be a genius of great insight, many more feel he is a charlatan who is only in it for the money. The Ancient Brotherhood of The Dwarfs of Albion have sworn a blood oath to break his kneecaps unless he prints a retraction, and have issued a statement deploring his use of the phrase "All habitable planets in the universe may well already be infested by dwarfs". The Society itself is at present considering legal action in an attempt to recover the grant money paid to Von Smith to enable him to research his book in the first place.
Some researchers have concluded by study of the fossil records that dwarfs are the ancient forefathers of the human race, and point to the lack of stature of all early hominids as proof of this. They suggest that early man increased in height as a result of evolution. They even conclude that dwarfs today are no more than a throwback to an earlier time. This theory seems to me to be flawed in far too many ways to be given credence by serious students of the origins of the dwarfs.
I do not oppose this idea that the human race started off much closer to the ground, but feel that as man grew taller, so earlier, shorter forms died out. Where now are the early forms of other creatures such as the giraffe? They have died out to make way for their taller offspring, as nature intended.
If it is true that dwarfs are a throwback to an earlier, shorter form of man, then logic would suggest that dwarfs would be more numerous the further back in history we look, yet this is clearly not the case. Where in the many records of ancient peoples is there mention of dwarfs? Certainly not in the writings of the Egyptians, nor of the Greek or Roman empires. If dwarfs were common in ancient times, then why are there no depictions of stepladders in the tombs of the Pharaohs? Consider also that all male dwarfs are naturally good with all things mechanical, (with the exception of mousetraps, which have accounted for many a careless dwarf). This is hardly the sort of trait one would expect of a genetic throwback to an earlier form of man. My own research has guided me to the logical conclusion that dwarfs suddenly appeared around the time of King Arthur, possibly due to the opening up of a dwarf hole in space, possibly caused accidentally by early scientists now dismissed as a bunch of Druids in frocks by the scientists of today, yet in truth the masters of an ancient wisdom lost to later generations. Man is only now re-discovering many of these old secrets; take as an example the art of holographic projection, or the art of photography. How else can an intelligent man possibly explain the appearance before King Arthur and the full assembly of The Knights of the Round Table of the Holy Grail, or the mysterious image on the Shroud of Turin?
If, as I now believe, dwarfs originated on a planet far from our own, then how could they have traveled the vast distance required? Dwarf holes in space are all very well, but I would advocate a more practical approach.
It has taken mankind thousands of years to overcome the obstacles involved in leaving the ground, let alone the gravity of his home world. The extra-terrestrial dwarf who wishes to leave his planet has one great advantage. He is much smaller than mankind, and requires far less energy in order to reach escape velocity. If setting out to colonize another world it is possible to fit many more dwarfs into a spacecraft than normal sized people, and to carry less mass in the form of fuel and provisions, as dwarfs are used to surviving on short rations.
In the course of my research I was given access to many private collections of early manuscripts and drawings. Included in one group of sketches by Leonardo De Vinci I discovered his own records of his early attempts at space flight. These records have since been confiscated by the Vatican, and are no longer available for study.
In attempting to launch a living creature into space, Leonardo reached the same conclusion as myself, albeit many years earlier. He too felt that dwarfs were the obvious choice for space travel, for the reasons I have already proposed. His early attempts to launch a dwarf into space were largely unsuccessful. Initially using a trebuchet, he later progressed to a type of large catapult, and finally settled on a specially constructed giant crossbow, which he claims needed a team of thirty oxen to wind it up.
His first attempt was spectacular but ultimately a failure. After providing his brave but very stupid dwarf volunteer with a packed lunch of ham, cheese sandwiches and olives, in case he was up there a long time, he managed to throw his proto-astronaut up to a height of several thousand feet. Sadly he had not considered how his dwarf was to get down again, however gravity had already solved this problem millions of years earlier. An inspection of the landing site afterwards led to the rapid invention of both the parachute and the Four Seasons Pizza.
Later dwarf volunteers faired little better. As vertical distance increased so the absence of air at high altitude became a problem, and asphyxiated dwarfs dropping from the sky on their little parachutes became common. Faster launch speeds gave even less time to come to terms with the lack of air pressure, and I am given to wonder how many dwarfs reached the edge of space, only to explode due to internal pressure. Final versions saw the dwarfs fully enclosed in airtight barrels. Whether this worked or not is open to question. Only the dwarfs themselves could tell us, and according to the great man himself this was not possible, due to the barrels burning up on re-entry.
(NASA is believed to have wanted to use dwarfs rather than chimpanzees for early testing of the Mercury space capsule. The idea was dropped at the last minute after a team of scientists working in secret decided that chimps were a better bet, as they had shown themselves to be more intelligent than dwarfs. This merely leads me to deduce that the dwarfs tested by NASA for space flight were not that bloody stupid after all.)
In later chapters we will study the differences in structure between dwarfs and humans, and I believe that you will come to accept, as I have, that many early sightings of comets and other wonders of the ancients are in fact the earliest records of the flights of the space chariots of the dwarfs.
See Also: 'Interstellar Travels of the Dwarfs', by the Same Author; Due for publication next year.
Publication of controversial author Eric Von Smith's next book, a follow-up to his best seller 'Chariots of the Dwarfs', was put on hold after the writer, who is on a lucrative lecture tour of the North East, was attacked in his hotel room last night. The manuscript was stolen, and may already have been destroyed.
A spokesman for Yorkshire Police revealed that two unidentified female Dwarfs gained entrance to Von Smith's suite by wearing black dresses, white aprons and frilly caps, and passing themselves off as Goblin Teasmaids.
In a telephone call to 'Dwarf News', a spokes Dwarf for The Provisional Wing of The Radical Dwarf Feminist Movement, The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, has claimed responsibility for the attack. Although the all male organization, The Ancient Brotherhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, had already issued a blood oath threatening to break the author's kneecaps, the spokes Dwarf claimed that her group were fed up waiting for the men folk to take action. "Waiting for a bunch of male Dwarfs to get their fingers out is like sitting in a forest and watching it turn into a coal seam", she claimed, adding that the Ancient Brotherhood were a bunch of closet queers referred to by members of her own organization as 'The Fellowship of the Ring'.
The author was unavailable for comment last night, however his agent revealed that Von Smith is likely to remain in hospital with both legs in traction for at least three months. Top surgeon Mr George Patel stated that the victim had been struck at least thirty times on both kneecaps. "To carry out a brutal act like this is bad enough, but to use toffee hammers seems particularly sadistic", he said.
For the terminally bored, we include this article, taken from the March Issue.
The original organization for female Dwarfs, The Ancient Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, was started in the early years of the twentieth century as a companion group to the far older Ancient Brotherhood of The Dwarfs of Albion. During the sixties, however, a new breed of feminist Dwarfs began to emerge. Over a period of years they managed to infiltrate and gain control of the Sisterhood, initially at branch level, and ultimately at national level, by forcing votes at short notice for Chair Dwarf of the key committees that form the governing body of the organization.
The main problem facing all feminist Dwarfs is that they have an instinctive drive to find and marry the first tall man available. They are all, at heart, little homemakers, so the radical feminist Dwarf is not only fighting against the entrenched attitudes of male Dwarfs, and the taller world in general, but also against their inner selves. This has proved to be the hardest battle of all.
The first split, which led to the formation of The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, came after a long and heated debate over the use of old fashioned cups and saucers for meetings, as the more modern members demanded they be replaced with mugs, and that the use of tea bags be made compulsory. After many hours of argument the first of many splits resulted, with the feminists breaking away to form the New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, and taking around a third of the membership with them. (An insider later revealed that the argument was a storm in a tea cup deliberately engineered by the feminists, in order to force the decision to break away from the original organization. "We didn't give a flying f**k about the sodding tea cups. It was really about the colour of the curtains in meeting rooms," she explained).
This organization soon became The Dwarf Feminist Organisation, The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, rapidly breaking into two separate groups, with the dissenters forming the Radical Dwarf Feminist Movement, The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, or the RDFM, TNASOTDOA for short.
Further splits and splinter groups have appeared with alarming frequency, the latest being the Provisional Wing of the Radical Dwarf Feminist Movement, The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion, or PWOTRDFM, TNASOTDOA. (This is the group that has claimed responsibility for the kneecapping of the author Eric Von Smith. -Ed).
(This information may already be out of date, as revealed in the transcript of a telephone call to the editor of 'Dwarf News').
Caller - "Right, Lofty, listen up if you don't want your kneecaps posted to your next of kin. This is a spokes Dwarf for The Red-Handed Sisterhood of The Provisional Wing of The Ultra Far Left Radical Dwarf Feminist Movement, The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion. We demand that the fuzz stop their investigation into Von Smith's kneecapping, carried out by our Sister Group, The Provisional…."
Editor - "Hang on, who did you say you are again?"
Caller - "You heard me the first time. Now, we demand..."
Editor - "But you can't call yourselves that, you've got the word 'Sisterhood' twice. You can't have a Sisterhood with another Sisterhood inside it, and more importantly it just doesn't scan. I'm a journalist, I know about these things".
Caller - "Oh, bugger. Maureen, I said we should have called ourselves the Red-Handed Brigade, not Sisterhood".
Second Voice (in background) - "Well, we can't change it again, it's taken me bloody hours to do the headed notepaper".
Caller - "Can you hang on a minute?"
There followed five minutes of muted sound, believed to be two female Dwarfs engaged in an argument.
Caller - Right, that's sorted that out. Now listen Lofty, this is a spokes Dwarf for the Red-Handed Brigade of The Provisional Wing of The Ultra Far Left Radical Dwarf Feminist Movement, The New Age Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion. We…."
(At this point, the caller's phone card ran out).
A spokes Dwarf for The Ancient Brotherhood of The Dwarfs of Albion has pointed out that if the number of members claimed by all the Dwarf feminist groups are added together, the total exceeds the number of suspected feminist Dwarfs by about twenty per cent. He suggests that members of some organizations may be going undercover to infiltrate other groups in an effort to cause dissent, or alternately that at least half of all Dwarf feminists who belong to one group are hiring themselves out to other groups as mercenaries and hit Dwarfs, and are therefore being counted twice.
A police representative summed it up as follows;
"We are not fighting one organization here, we are actually fighting over two hundred separate groups. On the plus side, most of these groups only have one member. If the latest intelligence figures are to be believed, some of them must have less than that".
The Ancient Sisterhood of The Dwarfs of Albion today released the names of all finalists in their annual Flower Arranging Contest, with the winner to be chosen at this year's DwarfFest.